Finding My North Star
A voyage of exploration, self-discovery, and purpose
Three years ago, I was going through a low point.
I had recently turned 30, overwhelmed and exhausted. No, it wasn’t related to COVID. It was more personal (not getting into the details here, as they are irrelevant to this story). Let’s just say my career, relationships, and everything else I had worked towards turned out to be incredulously unfulfilling, and I was depressed.
But you know what they say about hitting rock bottom? As cliche as it may sound, there is only one way from there — upwards.
And that’s what I did. I decided to seek help and made some hard but good decisions. I gave my existing career path another shot, mutually ended an unhappy relationship and set short-term life goals.
I was moving upwards, alright.
Nope, I wasn’t flying like Superman, as I was more cautious this time. Maybe I was swimming like Aquaman. Wait, does Aquaman swim or fly underwater?
Anyway, you get the point. I swam upwards slowly, excited at new possibilities.
One Step Forward, One Step Back…
A few months later, I had regained control over my life.
I also had this urge to seek new experiences like travelling solo, volunteering at a non-profit, writing online (check out my previous Medium articles!), exploring new interests like personality psychology, self-development, intentional living, etc. and engaging in old hobbies like drawing, photography, etc.
My new well-paying job funded this lifestyle. It was a refreshing phase, although free time was limited to weekends and paid holidays.
Then, almost a year later, things started going downhill again.
I wasn’t satisfied with my job and was often disengaged at work. I started dreading Monday mornings again.
I knew I needed a change. But I wasn’t sure if I should change my career or just switch to another job within the same career path. Also, it wasn’t only the work life that disturbed me. Overall, there was a feeling that “something is missing.” Like I was playing the wrong game or living someone else’s dreams.
So I read self-help material, explored ideas about life and career, attended life coaching webinars and online courses, consulted people, tried therapy, saw videos about unconventional lifestyles on YouTube, etc.
I was moving sideways now, navigating the uncharted waters of life.
But you know what ended up happening?
Instead of getting clarity, I got overwhelmed with all the information overload. Several theories, polar opposite opinions and contrasting pieces of life advice on the internet made me paralysed, not knowing whom to trust. For every step taken forward, I was taking a step back.
I was also confused about who I was at the core and what I wanted in life, with a plethora of self-doubt. Was I having an existential crisis? Was I getting depressed again? Yikes!
Now, what did I do to resolve all this? I doubled down on online information gathering. More philosophies. More self-help. More “one-size-fits-all” nonsense. Add to that some mindless social media scrolling with other cheap sources of dopamine online, and it was a disaster!
The more I consumed, the more I got confused (whoa, does this rhyme?!).
I was neither swimming upwards nor sideways anymore. There I was, in analysis paralysis, almost drowning in this sea of information.
Then, finally, towards the end of October last year, I made progress. Hope, joy and clarity returned as I found my way. I reached the water’s surface, getting a glimpse of what looked like a North Star in the sky.
Key Takeaways
So what helped me find my way, at last?
It’s difficult to put it succinctly. I did a lot of experimentation during the past 3 years. Here, I’ll list some key takeaways from my journey so far.
1. Combining what worked from different models
When consuming more and more, I was looking for that one idea or concept or theory that would explain everything — minimizing risk and maximizing security. Soon, I realised that no system or model is perfect. I perceived that if you come across polar opposite opinions about something, the “truth” often is somewhere in the middle.
Game-changing learning: I can take a middle ground, assess what worked from different systems of self-understanding, growth, hacks, goal setting, etc. and combine them to carve a unique path.
2. Trusting my judgment more
Apart from taking a middle ground, I discovered that one of the best antidotes to confusion is to listen to my heart, gut feelings or core values more. I don’t know why I kept pushing at things that didn’t resonate with me and gave so much importance to everyone else’s opinions. Past conditioning, maybe? It was a relief when I started letting some things go.
Game-changing learning: While nurturing my open-mindedness and curiosity, I should seek closure from how I resonate with the ideas and trust myself more.
3. Working out
Like most people, I started going to the gym and lifting weights to improve my physique. But much to my surprise, before seeing any significant physical changes, it was my mental health that transformed.
Game-changing learning: A consistent workout routine with lifestyle changes can boost my confidence, give me clarity of mind and return that steely determination I used to have while also changing how I look in the mirror.
4. More real-world exploration and experiences
As I mentioned, my pattern of exploration was mostly limited to consuming information online. That’s not fruitful, particularly if overdone. I found out the hard way.
Game-changing learning: While theorizing and speculating on the way forward, I should explore the ideas in the real world, test them and have concrete experiences to gain more confidence in my perception.
I’ll cover these points in depth in upcoming articles. They are a work in progress, and I’m still learning.
But more importantly, I’m confident and better equipped to deal with uncertainty. As I have a clearer vision, the metaphor of reaching the water’s surface sounds apt here.
So yeah, it has been quite a voyage to get these insights. This year, I’m seeking to take things up a level. Maybe start strategizing like Batman. I want to progress towards what matters most while enjoying the journey. My quest is to make 2024 my best year ever and build momentum to move towards my North Star.
